The intimate battlefield

Marriage is widely recognized as a crucial aspect of society, while divorce is generally viewed as a social setback. Families are expected to create a serene and secure environment as a refuge from the pressures and tensions of work life. These peaceful interludes are essential to rejuvenate ourselves and face our daily challenges with a fresh perspective and positive mindset. Unfortunately, family structures that are expected to promote togetherness and intimacy sometimes become sources of isolation and estrangement. Despite the widespread dissatisfaction and failures in marriages, alternative arrangements such as cohabitation and open marriages have emerged, but a valid substitute for marriage is yet to be discovered.

In our society, the success of a marriage is largely determined by the couple's ability to remain together. To some extent, the notion may be true because broken homes have become a social problem. But do all the couples who stay together enjoy the sheer bliss of sharing and being together? Many couples known for their successful marriages feel empty and resentful. They feel embarrassed and hurt inside at being held as a model of a happy marriage. They maintain their relationship for practical reasons like family reputation, children, financial security, social responsibility, lack of attractive alternatives, etc. They demand and expect less and less from each other and maintain a respectful and 'safe' distance.

Do conflicts occur in all marriages? Yes, of course. In many cases, conflicts emerge as early as the start of the honeymoon. Successful and constructive resolution of initial conflicts generates a deep understanding of each other and trust in the relationship. We define conflict as a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns. The conflicts can be due to scarce family resources, lack of cooperation, personality clashes, value differences, unclear expectations, responsibility sharing, methodological differences, etc. A counsellor chooses elaborate and well-defined approaches to deal with specific conflicts, but there are a few ground rules for functional resolutions.

Even if a couple finds themselves amid a significant conflict or confrontation, they must adhere to specific ground rules. These rules guide the maintenance of respect, understanding, and effective communication within the relationship. By following these guidelines, both partners can ensure their voices are heard without resorting to hostility or aggression. They must listen actively to each other's perspectives, seeking to understand rather than respond. They should refrain from personal attacks or insults and instead focus on addressing the issue calmly and constructively. Additionally, taking breaks when emotions run high can provide space for reflection and prevent saying or doing something hurtful. Ultimately, by following these ground rules, couples can work towards resolving conflicts healthily and harmoniously.

In marriage, couples have three levels of emotional contact. These are intimacy, conflict and withdrawal. When two persons spend more time in each other's company, they develop intimacy. Gradually, they are exposed to the weakness and the unpleasant sides of their partner's personality, and conflicts arise. If the initial conflicts are resolved functionally, it leads the couple back to intimacy, which enriches their relationship; otherwise, they go into withdrawal mode. Withdrawal is an uneasy state of mind with a lot of stored negative energy, which sparks and fuels future conflicts. The passage from intimacy, through conflict, to withdrawal is a slippery slope. You can get there before you know it. But it takes a lot of work to climb back uphill to intimacy. Conflict is like a suspended bridge between intimacy and withdrawal. If the couple has entered withdrawal mode, the only way back to intimacy is through dealing with the baseline conflicts. Unless you bring the conflict to the surface and find a win-win solution, both will lose. In marital conflicts, either both win or both lose.

If conflict is seen as an opportunity to understand each other's concerns instead of looking at the conflicts as a threat, they can use this unparalleled opportunity to enhance their intimacy level.

To conclude, the core of a successful marriage remains commitment, communication, hope, and respect for the relationship and your partner.

By Kultaran Chhatwal